Before the parade passes by
Before it goes on, and only I'm left
Before the parade passes by
I've gotta get in step while there's still time left
I'm ready to move out in front
Life without life has no reason or rhyme left
With the rest of them
With the best of them
I wanna hold my head up high
I need a goal again
I need a drive again
I wanna feel my heart coming alive again
Before the parade passes by...

Before the parade passes by
I've gotta go and taste Saturday's high life
Before the parade passes by
I've gotta get some life back into my life
I'm ready to move out in front
I've had enough of just passing by life
With the rest of them
With the best of them
I can hold my head up high
For I've got a goal again
I've got a drive again
I wanna feel my heart coming alive again
Before the parade passes by!

:) I'm just sayin. kay?

Stone cold bitch it is. Fuck you. Both of you.

Marcus: This is why you don't let yourself fall in love, don't forget this.

I don't know which direction to take this blog in. To start, I am on spring break. FINALLY. Since my last blog I have been up and down and been through quite a few changes for such a short period. I broke things off with Brad for one. Before I go into any reasons for that, or trying to explain to random people my way of thinking and explanation for that, I just want to say 'Life Goes On.' While February 26th does not seem that long ago in my book it may seem like ages to others. Honestly I have been back, fourth, up, and down about a lot of things in my life lately, which is a great way to notice how many changes and how this might be a more in depth period in my life. Right now it's hard for me to say anything but, 'I don't know.' I hate that expression because as a person trying to function in the everyday world with a whole lot more of confusing and unintelligent people I feel like I should 'know'. I really hate that phrase because in some way or another I really do know, I just haven't found it within myself. Thats mainly the reason I have avoided going to a counselor of any kind for 19 years of my life, I know the answers, I, just have to find them. Maybe thats an independent thing of mine, but I feel everybody should find their own way, and I guess I feel counselors are a kind of cop out for talking through your problems with friends, family, or even yourself. A counselor is only there really to guide you to your epiphanies and self findings, but why waste that money when you could probably find it yourself if you gave yourself enough time to really explore you. Because cliche enough as it is, you are the only person that knows you, more than anyone else. ANYWAYS. (I have a feeling there might be many a tangent in this blog, as fair warning)

To start with Brad, I for one, in no excuse, am tired. I know fair and well I have no time to juggle friends and family with the work load that was placed on me and also chosen in some manners. I understand that. I also know based on that statement that I can't handle emotions right now because I don't have the usual time I allow myself to sit and talk through them. All of that itself is a cop out in it's own way from dealing with everything going on around me. I recently have had a reoccurring thought of settling. If I never push through the hard times how will I ever be able to get past settling and being able to grow up. Hopefully you can see this all points toward the excuse of not having the emotional capability and/or time to deal with a boyfriend. A fact I have not yet accepted. I wish that those were the only reasons all together, that I didn't continue things with Brad. There is a point in every relationship that I have been in where the question of love has always come into play. In this particular relationship it was not the question of love itself, rather the question of love growing and changing. I was talking with my friend Mark and he brought up the question, one I had not even come to think about. That was the question of growing and changing, in love and with each other. Of course my answer was no because neither of those things were happening, and maybe they were but I had yet to see them. Here's where I come to say, I don't know. Walking out of this relationship it took me about a week to realize all that really did grow inside me. So who am I to say that we weren't growing and changing, since we as human beings regardless of relationships are always changing and growing. In that weeks time I took more time to think about it and I was right from my original reasoning, we weren't growing and changing together in love. The 'together in love' part was a completely separate idea from growing and changing. We were both growing and changing through the entire process, but together, no. And in love, no. Together, and in love is a something we just were. I hope this makes sense. Yet again, I don't know... but I will add a 'yet', because I know it will come to me later how to explain this better. For now, I'm closing that chapter of my life.

In final closing of that chapter I have found a few questions for myself.
One thing I have noticed as a pattern in my life is that all the guys that I have 'loved' have always been because I spend crazy amounts of time with them. And if thats not the direct cause of what I call love then what else was it based on. I know absence makes the heart grow fonder but I never really give that to myself in many relationships. Granted, with Brad, I wasn't always with him, and yet I still thought about him but it wasn't always loving, fond, and the best of what I feel someone should think of that person when they're away. I also want to point out in my realization that I notice that I'm a completely different person during and after sex, but only for a little while. Brad was the one who helped point that out to my attention and reflecting on that for a long time I have noticed that it's more than true, it's fact and I think I have pin pointed exactly where it started and ended. In my first real relationship I was a completely different person than I have never been in any other relationship sense. We will call the man, Darrin. In my first true loves relationship I was head over heels (also somewhere I have never been after that relationship) I was of course in my own right naive and oh so magically in love. I have never been there since Darrin broke up with me. I have never been constantly that much in love with someone since him. BUT during and for a little while after sex, I am completely that person. Head over heels, completely in love with that person, in ecstasy. And all it takes to get out of that is a few minutes and one little air whole of a comment or remark that sends me right back into my now self. And with all of that said, Brad and I fucked like rabbits and I loved it (because for one, the sex was amazing, and the best to date), because I was so often this person that no one has ever seen except the people that I have slept with, and I now want to tap into that person, but I am so afraid of being that vulnerable 24/7 and losing the person that I am today even though I know sometimes that that person is not the best thing to be with, and especially for Brad. Can you see where I don't know!?

I want to blog more I really do but I think thats enough to swallow for one blog. Plus I don't think many people will know where I'm coming from so it's best to leave it off there. :/

Until we meet again...

I have no time for this :< it's so sad... and pathetic. I actually just got done pulling an all-nighter for school today and it sucked but I got everything done.. PICTURE TIIMMEEEEE lol

The boy and I are fine


I was Poison Ivy for Halloween hopefully you can tell.. lol

and I went out with the color guard girls on Halloween for some major partying :p


Color Guard is finally over and the season sucked ass so I'm never doing it at a college level again! And these people were the only reason I stayed in it.. lol


Been goofy like normal!


AND my hair has never been as long as it now lol And randomly I've been partying a LOT more :/.. LOL :D

A fun little photo shoot! :) I'll update later this weekend just didn't feel like typing and I'll explain later :D

So yeah I went completely emo last post. lol To catch you up, it didn't end quite well haha I knew I shouldn't have asked him but I did. He texted me when I was out with le friends and it was going great, I get home and we're still texting throughout the day and I wanted to know what I should do with my emotions for him, so I figured I would ask. So I type out something funny and clever and then tell him we should hang out before I leave. But my phone wouldn't let me send it!? O.o I literally tried to send it 20 times all over my house even though my phone said it had service everywhere! So I was like FINE phone, I'll change what I said, so I do. I still joked in the beginning but at the end figured 'why not?' and asked what I should do with the emotions that I had for him? Yet again my phone did not like that message. So after 10 or so attempts at sending it I said fuck it and bluntly typed, "So do I hold on to my emotions for you or just set them aside?" and of course on the first try my phone was like OK and sent it!? LOL so I awaited a response. He said, "Honestly I just don't think it will ever work." I replied with, "I understand, that's all I needed." SO basically I just told him after a few more texts that I needed a semester to take a break from him, and as of right now I'm doing best to not text him 'I'm retarded! Glad we know, we're good now' which is waiting in my saved drafts waiting to be sent whenever... lol

I took a few days break from all that was le internet and just sulked in my own self pitty and spent the rest of the time with my besty just doing what we do :) As of right now this whole mess that I created for myself has been put on hold because I know it will become bearable yet again one day and everything will be alright. He is a fantabulous friend and one I wont easily give away because of my own emotional fuck ups lol

MOVING ON.
This end of summer has been FABULOUS! ;) Lot's of friends, not going to sleep before 5 and sluty club experiences.
I bought three new pairs of shoes a scarf and a purple Vneck! And I'm broke of course lol :p But I really want to just gush about my clubbing experience on friday. UGH I was a slut! Literally we walk in and get on the dance floor and within 10 minutes this guy is humping me on the dance floor and not to mention he's gorgeous! LOL After about 30 minuets of dancing we're basically having sex on the dance floor, every one is starring and I didn't care! :p By the end of the night I left with red earlobes 4 hickeys and a very groped ass! XD it was horrible. We won't even go into how old he was but we will say how GORGEOUS he was :) UGH fantabulous night. Sorry if this seems sporadical, Chelsea Lately is in the background so it's hard to focus haha

My mom took off all this week, since this is my last one at home before I go back for the school year. Tomorrow we're going to have lunch with our old roommate after my father left us and then I'm going to Wicked wednesday night, which is the opening night here in Austin. I'm excited lol :D I'm also moving into my apartment on saturday which is TOTALLY exciting. I will probably update afterwards. Life is looking up, hopefully not any more very emo posts :)

Until we meet again...

SO my last rant was ridiculous. I think I'm ready to close that book for right now.

After that blog, literally the next night, I confessed everything. We went out to the club and I was going to cut him out of my life and just take a break from him. I was doing all the good gay best friend things encouraging him to go and talk to guys and do this and that, and he did none of it. RAWR. Did I mention he is frustrating. :p But we had a great time downtown. One of the signs I talked about last blog was him talking about his high school crush to me and how I was wanting to tell him that he was my first crush ever in middle school, well GO FIGURE we run into that guy downtown who is now gay and wasn't gay before as well. Of course he is being all cute with his boyfriend and what not walking down the street as we were on our way down to my car. I'm mentioning this part because I was really caught off guard. The old high school crush was kinda drunk of course but right in front of his boyfriend, Leonard starts FLIRTING with the guy! Like I mean literally, not just being himself, his very flirtatious self, but trying! to flirt with him.. and the boyfriend spoke one word and immediately, and I do mean IMMEDIATELY Leonard turns from the old high school crush, pops a hip and has a new target for his flirting. Right there in front of me and the old crush he literally just changed targets and switched like a radar gun latched onto a speeding car! It was HORRIBLE. I couldn't believe it. But thank goodness the not drunk boyfriend realizes what is going on and decides that it is time for them to leave. Now I can't blame Leonard completely because the boyfriend was WAY MORE CUTE than the crush, but right in front of us!? I really hope the high school crush guy did not catch on. A MESS. So we turn to leave and of course Leonard calls out the fact that the boyfriend was HOT and so I proceeded to call him out on flirting with them both once we got in the car, and of course he denied it at first and then started to think about his actions and was like, "Damn, you're right! Whatever."

So we're driving down through downtown, and both of us are very indecisive so I asked him if he wanted to go eat and he was like, if you want to. But I wasn't the one who had to work the next morning as it was now almost 3 in the morning. Anyways. I decided we weren't going to eat because emotionally I was drained from being the best gay friend all night, I just needed to get home and relax, and I was getting frustrated more and more which probably meant I needed some major sleep. lol So we head home. And we get to talking about him and how he doesn't really believe in awkward, because honestly he doesn't, and how he has no personal bubble which is weird, but how that makes him unique... I started to get a little upset and I was driving, and if I wasn't already a bad enough driver my emotions took control and I was driving wreck-less, which is no excuse of course. He called me out on it and I said sorry and got my shit under control relatively fast for myself anyways. But thats when the thoughts set in. I was jumping back and forth in my mind weather to bring it up, and to top my all time awkward moments of life, I raised my hand and slapped his thigh and said, "We need to talk!" and from my last speech about how I was thinking I was going to say what I had been thinking for a while, it came out nothing like it... at all. :/ I just like word vomited ALL over him and it was horrible. I actually felt worse for over bearing him with like 4 years of suppressed emotions all at once after words. But he said he already knew, which I thought this was like going to be COMPLETE NEW news to him, so I guess I was wrong there since he figured what was going on with me. He responded, "It's not like I haven't thought of it before,not like it haven't crossed my mind (GOOD SO I'M NOT INSANE FOR THINKING OTHERWSIE!!!!!)" he also talked some more about timing because I go to school so far away which I totally understand and I just got to tell him about all the signs and how everything has been affecting me and generally cared.. which was way off from how I thought things were going to go. *sigh* We said goodnight and he still doesn't believe in awkward so we had a nice hug and we departed.

OH! But The plot thickens. lol So I guess I didn't really get my point across on how I couldn't hang out with his for a while because I needed to be sure that I could be a good friend.. because he texted me the next day. lol Which of course the heart dropped and he wanted to have lunch. So we did. All went okay and we had a great time like we always do. Only awkward thing was I had my glasses at my neck and he didn't want to squish them so we had an awkward loose hug. Anyways, we talked about boys and I did okay, there was a little bit of silence more than usual but I expected worse, especially from me LOL Anyways, I guess we were good, and we did lay some rules down when I word vomited everywhere so that was good he was a lot better except that he was on some stupid dating thing that tells you how far away your match is on the iPhone... gay. anyways. GOOD PART OF THE STORY LOL kinda...

He texts me on saturday evening. He just moved into his house downtown with his roomies and he wanted me to come over and see it. So I went. UGH SO JEALOUS. Hard wood flooring, great colors, just remodeled, rounded corners everywhere which is something I want (it made the house flow really nicely), three bedrooms, two baths, just SO NICE. Anyways... I went over and it wasn't far away but I didn't think the whole way there, I purposely blasted the music and drove slow to concentrate. So I get there finally and I meet the other best friend of three that moved in together and he was great, lots of fun and I really enjoyed how nice he was for a straight guy living with a girl and a gay guy lol I helped with the gayest table setting that Leonard and his mother picked out and the guy roomie called it, "Tablescaping", which I thought was adorable and definitely gave him some kudos for that. And after sitting around for a while and arguing about TV placement (I agreed with guy roomie for it to be over the fireplace since it was a flat screen, instead of the corner where Leonard thought it should go. We won so it stayed there) guy roomie left to go home because he was the only one that didn't put his bed up in the house yet so he would have no where to sleep... Some of this shit I'm throwing in has NOTHING to do with where I'm going.. I guess thats one of my flaws as a writer. lol ANYWAYS. SO Leonard needs to go to the grocery store while we wait to get something to eat, which of course wasn't just a trip to get Sushi, it turned into full fledged grocery shopping!!!(I've been writing for an hour now, in between texts of course lol 1:28) Which of course I LOVED shopping with him it was a mess but like always fun. SO we finally finish after seeing this poor mammoth of a girl roaming around in the produce and then that fat ass eating more than his fair share of not free samples on the candy isle!! lol That was fun too, he makes me do things I wouldn't normally. NEWHO. We go back to the house because the other roomie was coming home.

Okay none of the other details matter except we all ate sushi in there living room and it was cute just sitting there enjoying it, and I almost went home after the invited me to spend the night because it did start to get awkward for me because I felt very third wheel because they were so excited about moving in to the house together, and I couldn't really celebrate because I don't get to do that for another few weeks and I'm not nearly as close to the people I'm moving in with, but I am still excited lol So we all attempt to move this GIGANTIC box of the girls stuff up the stairs (which she didn't even unpack once we got it up there ugh!) But the move up there was fun, the stairs were really steep so it was definitely hilarious, it said it took four people to move what was in it before on the side of the box and we all figured with her stuff in there which was ALL her clothes that it would take more like 8 people to lift it up off the ground which we couldn't do :p So we get up stairs and Leonard and I go into his room and I help him put away his stuff and of course it was underwear and socks and all that jazz, and I had a problem at first handling it but I was like whatever, and I went into mom mode and just was giving him a hard time about how he folds his stuff and what not, and I also taught him how to fold socks really fast and then we just sat around until we went into the girls room to just chilax which we did. We looked through this scrapbook that she found going through the box that her friends made her when she left from Arizona to come to Austin and it was adorable!! Mucho cute and it was fun laughing at. So anyways we all sit around for a while and then they end up wanting to go to bed and so we all just get ready and I stand around there looking awkward in the corner not knowing where to sleep. So after a while it was unsaid that I would be sleeping in Leonard's bed........ *sigh*. So he's a bitch and was like you look purposeless, start taking the pillows off the bed lol so I did with some witty remark, but I wanted more than one pillow but he wouldn't let me keep the 'sham' because he said you're not supposed to sleep on those, even though I have ALWAYS done that, so it was his new bed so I took it off and decided that I was going to use the body pillow to help. So we both jump into bed and then I realized that the light was still on, so I was like, "you're a horrible host, go turn off the light," which he doesn't so I get up to do it, and it's pitch black. I climb back into bed, which of course I'm closest to the wall so it's not like it's easy to get into lol. And I hunker down and he was like, "Can you close the door...?" fbhjs So I bitched and then did it, witty banter this, smart comeback that, and then I get back in bed and we're facing opposite sides of the bed with our buts touching in the middle, and he says, "Now you don't get a goodnight kiss because you were rude!", so I was just like "haha whatever!", "You don't believe me?" he replied, "Don't tempt me" I said, and then he said, "You don't think I will?, Roll over!" and I didn't he was like, "Last chance!" So I rolled over without saying anything. He had to be retarded and try to be suave and say, "Sorry I'm really good at this so watch out." he grabbed my head and just let loose all over! He just kissed me so passionately, he learned quickly I loved my lips bitten and we just made out for what seemed like about ten minutes doing the usual getting closer, legs intwined, arms all over. UGH you don't even know, unless you're me rereading this in a few years ago and you'll know exactly lol!!!!!! Skip a bunch of emotional crap from me we get into some conversation and he says, "We could just do it again?' So we do. fehuydjkasnbvhbska MOTHER FUCKER it was amazing.. then we just cuddled and held each other. amazing. The rest of the night just got worse from there, involving talking, too many words from me, not any explanation of emotions from him, and we just ended up turning apart from each other and him sacking out, and me not sleeping at all.

The morning was very bitter sweet, especially with the bleak weather outside, we had a great hug, a lot left unsaid, but I guess for the best. We didn't talk for the rest of yesterday and I found this great poster that my mom bought me a long time ago when we first moved here and it says:

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people stay for awhile, and move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understandings, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."

I guess that could best explain what I'm feeling with out going word vomit on you. My feelings haven't changed and if anything have gotten stronger.. I don't even know what's going on with him, but everything happens for a reason. I hope we hang out again, but there is no telling what's going to happen now. Definitely more than I was ever hoping for and it was worth it, and if I have to take that for the rest of my life, it was better than nothing. All I have come up with, is the best thing to do which would be to close the book on this, because I don't know what to do. It's very bitter sweet, and it's sad if this is where it ends.

Until we meet again...

This is A in a series of the ABC's of me... boring I know. I just couldn't pick one word so I did the best four out of the dictionary and went with those.

Ardent: feeling great passion, or felt very passionately; feeling or showing great enthusiasm or eagerness; shining or glowing brightly, with a fiery quality.

Aberrant: deviating from the ordinary, usual, or normal type; exceptional; abnormal.

Assuming: arrogant; presumptuous.

Avant-garde: of or pertaining to the experimental treatment of artistic, musical, or literary material.

 

Ardent.

            I feel that I have always felt a great passion for the things I commit myself to. I try and live by the phrase, “If you’re going to do something, do it right.” Now this is not always true and isn’t always how I live my life, but I do think that I never cease to surprise myself with how much passion I live my life with. Sometimes when I least expect it and I don’t even pay attention I give something my all and seem to reek of love for it, when perhaps I may not even care and I may be on auto-pilot. I think that I also like to surround myself with ardent people because I feel that maybe I am somewhat not that ardent at times and maybe, just maybe, having them around will somehow rub off on me, in which case it usually does which is nice of course. I’m not one to go around announcing how great I am, unless I know I deserve it of course, which is why I would say now that I am ardent, but at the same time I am not. I tend to think the worst and the most negative things, especially about myself. When it comes to this it is no different. To explain myself I would merely tell you that I’m modest, which in turn is why I surround myself with ardent people, when really it may just be because… well, I’m ardent.

 

Aberrant.

            This one is easy. Anyone who has seen me walking down the street could tell you this one. I’m just out there. I first of all love the word deviant. I think it is marvelous. It has such a negative connotation so I can some how pretend I am something bad or negatives myself but at the same time know that I am just me and it is just another word! In most everything I do I thing I naturally stray from the crowd and stick my toe out of line. Not only in my fashion choices of zebra skin tight jeans, but in my personality as well. Second, I think the word normal should not exist. Not only because it ties everyone down to one word and makes there seem like there is this pool of everyone being ‘normal’, but also because it makes so many people NOT normal, just by it being around. And of course the last two words of this definition, exceptional and abnormal, are amazing. I think everyone in some light is one or both of these things! Everyone in their own way… blah blah blah, but really, I think everyone is so unique that it totally channels out any talk of normal! I am aberrant.

 

Assuming.

            Assuming makes an ass out of you and me. And it is SO true! As horrible as this sounds it true. I figured I should maybe pick at least one word that is me but negative… since ya know, that’s how I roll. lol I really don’t like that I can be very assuming, or arrogant. I tend to tense up in awkward situations or when I feel uncomfortable and I become cocky, arrogant, unsure, and of course assuming. Not just with the actual use of the word, to think you know something that you don’t, but also the two words in the definition: arrogant and presumptuous. And as bad as it seems I LOVE the way the word presumptuous sounds! I don’t know, just sounds hot to me! LOL For cereal though, I do tend to come off as an arrogant ass sometimes. Repetitive I know, but none the less true. I just don’t know how to turn it off when or if I realize it because then I don’t want to come off as crazy and bipolar ya know? I joke it off a lot as flirting and just picking on people but it really can be very hurtful and I totally understand that. It is just one of my many faults. I am definitely assuming.

 

Avant-garde.

            Oh it’s SO true. Not only of course because I’m gay, but I live my life in excess and over-the-top ways. This word also applies to me because I love everything that is art, music, theatre… basically the fine arts! I just was born for this world or extreme style and coffee shops ;) It is me! I know when I first heard this word I was like BAM! because I saw it on a fashion show that I was watching. Of course I fell in love with the clothes and all the craziness that was walking up and down that runway, but I also felt like that is where I belong. I know I love to push the envelope, ever so slightly when I do, and a little at a time so I don’t knock any one over, but I do like to make people stare and think, it amuses me. I am all that and a bag of chips on the side of some girls head, and we’ll call it ‘Avant-garde’ my friends! :D

B is on it's way...